Christmas Cards

Okay, here’s a confession that will probably make me sound like a complete asswipe: I am so OVER  sending and receiving Christmas cards.

For too many years I’ve dealt with the Christmas card ritual: First I go to the store and find cute cards that are too expensive, but buy anyway. Then I stand behind approximately 200 people in line at the post office waiting to buy stamps. Then I dutifully hand write about 60 cards and personalize each with a little note.  Then (after my fifth try) I print out address labels and proceed to painstakingly affix them to the appropriate envelopes.  Finally, I glue the envelopes shut and adorn each with a sweet sticker for extra holiday cheer before putting on stamps and shuttling them off to the mailbox.

Of course, no one ever helps me do any part of this task (and trust me, I have asked) and quite frankly, I am sick of it.  And the more I think about it, the more I realize that I mostly do this for people who I never talk to anymore.  

In return for my efforts, I usually get Christmas cards that have illegible signatures on the bottom, prompting me to check the return address label again to see who it was from; or I am forced to read one of those long ass holiday letters filled with clichés and details about all the boring things people and their kids did that year. 

This got me thinking; maybe I should dispense with the personalized hand written cards and just send out one of those letters too. Mine would go something like this:

Hello Friend!

Can you believe another year has gone by? AMAZing how time flies!

I decided to keep up this charade of sending you a Christmas greeting again this year, even though we have not corresponded live since 1992. Shit to be honest, I can’t even remember how it is that I know you. Did we meet at school? Work? Were we neighbors? Friends?

Regardless, let me give you agonizing details of our family highlights from this past year. Naturally, since I’m the only one who gives enough of a rat’s ass to send out a Christmas hello, I’ll start with me.

There are two things that really affected (or is it effected?) me this year. The first was that I had to have a root canal in January (you probably don’t even remember I have an insane fear of dentists). Any rate, the guy who did my root canal was named Dr. Kermit and he wasn’t the kind of nurturing dentist I require to work on my teeth. In fact, Dr. Kermit was kind of a RichardCranium and I attribute his behavior as his calculated method of getting back at mankind, while simultaneously making a butt load of money. Let me explain. After my procedure, I heard through a friend of a friend, who had a cousin who knew Dr. Kermit in high school, that Kermit was picked on all the time because he was dweeby and smelled funky. I think this maltreatment of him manifested into general hatred of anyone whom he perceives to be remotely cooler than him (which probably translates to anyone who doesn't have a wackyass name like Kermit). Needless to say, the root canal sucked because it was stressful, painful, and expensive, thus it left another emotional scar on my already fragile dental psyche. As such, I haven’t been able to go to my dentist in the past ten months (don’t worry though, I have been exceptionally meticulous about keeping my teeth clean and plaque-free by using a toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, and a Williams Sonoma ice pick).

The second thing that affected/effected me occurred in February, when we experienced an awful blizzard that rendered us snowed in (I am assuming this event didn’t register with you, since you never checked with us to see if we were okay, even though this storm was totally broadcasted on every single conceivable news source outlet). As it was, we made it through the blizzard okay, at least physically. Psychologically though, I kind of lost it, as I decided to do battle with the 25 tons of snow that was dumped on our driveway that I couldn’t clear with our snow blower or shovel, but yet was making me completely emotionally claustrophobic (what can I say? I have issues with restricted spaces). Any rate, it turns out trying to set the end of your driveway on fire with gasoline doesn't necessarily mean all the extra snow that's messing with your juju will melt. Instead it just mostly causes your neighbors to give you funny looks and increase the number of local squad cars that drive past your house. But don't worry though, I ended up feeling much better by May, after the last of the snow melted.

During Spring Break we went to visit the in-laws in Missouri. I am pretty sure that one night we all inadvertently ingested feral hog meat disguised as pork chops, purchased from the Reed Springs Walmart meat department. We also decided to take the kids to Kansas and Oklahoma on a day trip, so they could cross those states off their "States I Have Been To" list. Man, were our children completely under-whelmed with Kansas and Oklahoma. Kids can be such ingrates, don’t you think?

Speaking of kids, I have been doing endless driving to and from school, as well as various other activities my kids are involved in. I tell you, I sometimes feel like a honorary taxi driver. Although now I am wondering if instead of majoring in Business Adminstration in college, if I should have just saved all my efforts and taken a course on how to stay preoccupied while driving tweens who ignore anyone over the age of fifteen in the car.

Our oldest daughter is now 12 and loves to play volleyball, hang with her friends, talk back, roll her eyeballs, whine about homework, spend our money on her clothes, and listen to pop music (which by the way, some song lyrics make me want to stick my head in a vice for some relief. I mean really Kesha, go insane, go insane, throw some glitter on my brain? What does that even mean?). I can't wait until she turns 13, because I suspect that’s when the fun will really start!

Our other daughter is 10, and is picking up all sorts of bad behaviors from her older sister. I try not to antagonize her too much though, because she has been taking karate classes for an entire year (did I mention I drive her to karate?) and I am pretty sure she can now take me out with one well place karate kick to the femur.

The hubby is doing fine. Remember how he used to wait for the last possible moment to get things done and how he always made us late for social events and everyone would shake their heads and laugh? Yeah, well that hasn't changed at all (although now instead of getting upset with him, I just drink some hard liquor I have hidden in a specially made flask designed to look like an extra absorbent tampon, which I tuck away in the zipper pocket of my purse).

We didn’t get around to taking a formal vacation this summer, mostly because I was too lazy to plan anything and then by the time I tried, it was too late. I pretty much disappointed my entire family, although they eventually got over it. I plan to make it up to them with a kick ass trip next year that won't include Kansas or Oklahoma, and which will give me additional fodder to relay in my next Christmas letter.

We hope you have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year. And please know that if you decide to drop us from your Christmas card list, not only will we not be offended, but we will rejoice in finally severing all ties with you!

XOXO – France and Family

P.S. Okay so obviously my letter was tongue in cheek, all except for my Kermit root canal experience. That was real and I am still afraid of going to the dentist. One of my earliest posts was about that event, you can read here if you’d like: Dr. Kermit and the Root Canal Rant